Sal's Blog of Nothing

No, I’m not a human lie detector like Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents – but I’m pretty damned good at figuring out whether or not someone is telling the truth… I recently had somebody lie to me – but I didn’t confront them about it. It didn’t affect my life in any way – so I didn’t really care – but it was so obvious to me.

When I was a kid, I lied about everything. My age, where I was born, where I lived, where I was, where I went, where I was going, what I ate for dinner, whatever. After awhile, I became so good at lying that I’d compete with myself to see exactly what I could get away with. I began to lie constantly – almost habitually – until I became bored with it and stopped entirely at around 16 years of age.

Nowadays, I can’t remember the last time I lied.. Not including white lies: “Yes, I love your idea”, “Yeah, that huge exhaust pipe looks good on your Honda Civic”, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” (just kidding about that last one – I did! Just kidding again). For me, it’s very easy to stay out of trouble. Depending on my mood, I’m either very happy or content with my life. Why lie? It’s more garbage that you have to keep stored in your head until the day you die… If you don’t keep your B.S. stored and ready for instant retrieval at any given moment, (including an entire plan of action to fix your mistake if you DO make one) you will eventually crash and burn. Believe me. I know. Honesty is the best policy… Along with “Don’t sweat the small stuff”, that is some of the best advice you’ll ever receive.

So how can I tell when somebody is lying? It’s easy – whatever you’re doing as you’re lying – I’ve already done a thousand times. Every mistake you make when you’re lying to me – I’ve already made – a thousand times. I know exactly how you feel when you’re telling me your lie. I know exactly how you speak when you’re telling me your lie. I’m incredibly familiar with your facial expressions, your attitude, your tone, at what points in your sentence you raise your voice or get quiet – when you try to change the subject. I know exactly how you’ll answer certain questions when you’re lying – because I’ve already been there and done that (you guessed it) – a thousand times. Believe me – I’ve lied more than you. Honestly.

(I know what you’re thinking… “Good for you!” Whatever. I’m very much at peace with my life and what I’ve become. To each his/her own.)

So while it’s already too late to make a long story short – don’t lie to me. Don’t say a word if you’re not going to tell me the truth. More often than not, I’m not going to care about your situation. There’s no reason to feel you need to explain anything to me… It’s not like I’m going to be in court giving a character reference. (Am I?) But if you lie – I’m going to know it – and I’m probably going to lose a little bit of respect for you. First, for insulting my intelligence. Second, for being dishonest as an adult. We’re not kids anymore… Stop lying…

Have things changed so much that people are no longer comfortable driving around with their windows opened? Has society become such a bunch of intraverts with the Internet as their new reality that the possibility of outdoor human interaction is frightening to them?

Five years ago when I lived in New York, people opened their windows to experience the air and outdoors every chance they had. Here in South Florida in 2009, even when it’s beautiful out at 70 degrees on a clear, sunny day – people are driving around with their windows closed and their air conditioners on. Are people just in such a habit of automatically getting into their cars and doing this? Or do they just feel more secure closed-up inside their box – safe from other human beings?

Maybe with all the F’ing nut cases in the world (rapists, murderers, thieves, baby f’ers, etcetera) people would rather just avoid interaction at all costs. Even beyond the fear of interaction, I think people just want to be invisible altogether. If they drive around with their tinted windows closed, it’s almost as if they don’t even exist.

What do you think? And by the way… If you read this blog and don’t leave your opinion, you’re an idiot.

Have a nice day!

I think people put too much faith in the “exercise” of walking around shopping. I jog on an eliptical machine and burn approximately one calorie every five seconds or so. That being said, how long do you think it takes you to burn a single calorie slowly browsing the aisles in a department store – stopping evey few seconds? Probably about thirty seconds – right?

So when you’re casually shopping, you’re burning about sixty calories every half an hour. That’s not even a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. And you’re wondering why you don’t lose any weight “with all the exercise” you get. And then you have “briskly walking” in your target heartrate “fat burning zone”. Well that’s a bunch of sad wishful thinking. Yes, it burns fat – but the more effort you put into it, the better the results you’ll get. Walking faster than “briskly” will get you much better results – and might actually burn enough fat for somebody to notice.

If being in shape was easy, don’t you think everybody would be that way? Stop procrastinating and do what needs to be done. Stop waiting until next week to get started. Nobody’s going to hold your hand and do it for you.

If you’re a woman, all you have to do is get skinny. That’s the big challenge. Along the way you can lift a weight here or there and get toned. Easy. If you’re a man, well, that’s a different story. You have to be skinny AND big at the same time. Isn’t THAT a crock?! Not only do you have to sweat your jiggidies off doing cardio, but you have to break your back lifting weights that you can bearly budge to build muscle that your body doesn’t want (due to homeostasis). So have a good time fighting with mother nature. But for God’s sake – get started.