Sal's Blog of Nothing

A woman on a web forum says the following:

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200-250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

A businessman responds:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time. I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it.

Your offer is plain and simple a bad business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you’re suggesting is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the table and I bring my money. Fine. Simple. But here’s the rub. Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain. You’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage…

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
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The moral of this story is, if you’re a woman looking for a man to depend on financially, it would certainly be a better idea to be financially independent and make your own money. Would it not? Control your own destiny. It usually does not end up good if you can’t take care of yourself.

After a grueling cardio workout this morning, already uncomfortable and exhausted, I walked into the men’s locker room (I wish I could just use the other one) and to my stout disappointment the first thing I saw was a man bending over with his hairy ass facing straight at me. More often than not, I walk into the locker room with my eyes about chest-level to avoid making eye contact. Making eye contact in a men’s locker room in South Florida isn’t the best idea if you’re straight. Anyway, my sore eyes wished they were looking higher today..

A few days ago, I walked into the locker room, started washing up and noticed an older guy in his 50s sitting about 10 feet away from me by the lockers to the right. There’s a mirror in front of the sinks so it was easy to see what happened next out of the corner of my eye. A few moments later, another guy walked in and used the locker right next to him. He proceeded to strip naked. The older guy was probably already uncomfortable before the other guy turned around and had his ass in the older guy’s face. He was only a few inches away. The older guy probably smelled his dirty ass. Even worse, his penis and testicles were surely dangling just a few inches away – I’m glad I didn’t have to see that…

Personally, I think locker rooms should have established, dedicated areas where it’s okay to be naked. Maybe an unwritten rule – or just a sign stating that for the courtesy of others, please don’t fully undress “in this section”. Would that be such a bad thing?

I know, it’s probably just me. I’m an oddball. I never changed in locker rooms with other guys before. Never. I was just never comfortable with it. I don’t know why. But that’s me. Deal with it. So maybe all the rest of you men like prancing around in locker rooms with penises and balls bouncing around. That’s great. To each his own…